6.12.2007

If you don't want to hear some whining, don't read this.

I am trying really hard to not whine about all that is going on in my life. I will mention it briefly and that is about it. However, today I am at the end of my quickly fraying rope. I have decided that hyperemesis is not for the weak of heart, or body, or soul. I am afraid I am hoplessly week at all three.

I started throwing up at week seven and haven't stopped since. I am at 17 weeks. I have been throwing up for 10 weeks straight. I have gone in for numerous IV treatments, I have battled insurance companies for the correct dosage of the only drug that seems to work for me, only to be declined time and time again. We have had to resort to crossing the border to obtain said medication. I have had my kidney's shut down. I have even started contracting at 14 weeks because I was so dehydrated and my body was just trying to get rid of what it sees as a "parasite" invading my body. I have thrown up pieces of my throat because it was so raw and the stomach acid has just been eating away at it. I throw up an average of 10 times a day with the record being 19 times. Then the headaches come because of the dehydration and the massive amounts of medication.

I missed out on an annual "girl's weekend" because I never know what smells or sights will send me running to the bathroom. I need this every year to regain my composure and come home refreshed. I don't get to spend time playing with my girls because I am so exhasted all of the time. I have had to depend on others to nurture and care for my children. My relationship with my poor husband is still great even though I can't stand the smell of him or the sound of his voice or even the way he breathes. He still loves me after all of that.

Then the depression and anxiety comes. It is usually a given for HG patients. They will end up with panic attacks or depression because an ending seems to not exist. I am being medicated for both. The nurse at my doctors even told me that they recently had to commit an HG patient to a psych ward. Then due to the sheer amount of pills I am taking, I want to throw up whenever I see one.

I have developed an irrational fear of food. I know that my body needs it, that this baby needs it, but I look at it and see nothing but misery. I can understand the hatred that girls with @norexi@ and Bu!imi@ have for food. I think I am a little more understanding of eating disorders. My fear isn't a fear of becoming fat, just a fear of becoming sick.

Then you have the people. The people who don't believe that you actually have a disease. The people that say it is all in your head. That you just need to refocus or that question how sick you really are. The people who insist that once you are in your second trimester that it will all go away. The people who don't understand that a good day is a day that you can shower and not throw up in the shower because the smell of water...yes, water...makes you hurl. Spending 10 weeks with your head in a toilet will make the smell of water foul. People who can't understand why you aren't excited about the impending birth of your child. People who don't understand that you are in basic survival mode and to think about anything other than what will happen in the next ten minutes is pushing it. People who don't understand why you can't make it to every event that comes along. People who say hurtful things or who tell you they totally understand even though they only "felt nauseous" or threw up "once a day". That somehow that is supposed to make you feel better.

I know I have been blessed. I have a wonderful family that has rallied around me in my time of need. I have a husband who has been bending over backwards to help me. I have a mom and sisters who are always willing to take my kids. I have friends who have stepped in and nurtured and played and had my kids all but live at their homes. I am really lucky. I know that. I know this IS the depression talking and the fact that I am sick all over again after having a fairly decent week last week, it has just made me more depressed. I know there are women who have it much worse than I do and I am grateful for all of the help I have received and the blessings that have been such a huge part of getting me almost halfway through this trial.

I guess I just need to put it out their into the void. Cyber brownies if you made it this far. But someone else will have to cook them. I can't even crack an egg with out running to the toilet.

25 comments:

Julie P said...

Oh. My. Goodness. You poor thing. I know that saying that doesn't help and is probably the last thing you want to hear, but wow. You have all my sympathy and many prayers headed your way. I wish there was more!

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

"I know there are women who have it much worse than I do..."

Stephanie, I am sorry and I have never heard a pregnancy story as trial-packed as yours. I commend your patience with yourself and with those around you. You've handled yourself with much grace... I hope things get easier soon. My thoughts are with you.

Kelli said...

It's ok to vent ... sometimes it's just plain cathartic.

Praying things settle soon- all over.

And praying for your family, as well.

Be blessed :)

Meemer said...

i have nothing but a big hug for you. that must really, really suck.

No Cool Story said...

I had no idea :(
I'm so sorry you are going through all that. I can't even imagine what that feels like, it sounds awful.
It's your blog and those of us who read it love you (otherwise we wouldn't read it). You may whine if you want to, sounds liek you need to vent.

(((Hugs)))

The Lazy Organizer said...

I'm so sorry! I have similar pregnancies but yours sounds worse. I have a piece of advice for you though. Stop throwing up in the toilet and start using the kitchen sink. It goes down the garbage disposal nicely and is much more sanitary. For you, maybe not for everyone else! At some point you will get too big to bend over the toilet anyway so you might as well start using the sink now.

I was lucky that my insurance paid for the $50 a pill zofran. Is that what you're taking? I told my husband that it wouldn't have mattered. We would have sold the house and everything in it to pay for the medication. He didn't believe me because of course no one else can really understand what this feels like except you.

You are just so lucky to have the help that you do. If I had family like that I might consider having another one but for now I think three is plenty as I'm sure you'll agree with at this point! Hang in there!

Alice said...

oh Steph...I am so sorry! I have never heard of someone having such a hard time with a crappy pregnancy! You can vent whenever you need to, and we will all listen! :) I hope you can get your medication situation remedied ASAP so you can have some reprieve? It sounds like at this point, that is the most we can hope for. That or wish the next 23 weeks fly by! Sending happy thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.

Sketchy said...

I cannot believe anyone would suggest to you you're not sick! Do they want you to vomit on their shoes? In fact I might try that the next time someone starts on you. You might not change their mind, but wouldn't that be funny afterwords?

HUGS

Tori :) said...

Oh Stephanie! I'm so sorry! (((HUGS))) I wish I could do more.

Char said...

Oh my gosh, Stephanie! I'm so, so sorry!

utmommy said...

So so sorry. I had no idea you were going through all that. I hope and pray that you will feel better soon.

Just Another Day In Paradise said...

Stephanie,
I really can't imagine how bad that must be because just having the 24 hour flu is a nightmare to me.
I'm really praying things settle down for you- try to be a little less hard on yourself. I think you're handling this a lot better than most people would be!
Cheri

CHEL said...

Like you said, another woman saying "sorry" or "I understand" doesn't do what you are going through justice.
But you will be in our prayers. I'm glad you are surrounded by family and good friends.

Chappyswife said...

I have a 5 week old beautiful baby boy, so I am not that far from forgetting morning sickness. However, I have NEVER had anything like the extreme you are experiencing, and I WHINED A LOT. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I just wanted you to know that I prayed for you. I do hope you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy soon and there is an end to your sickness. God bless you, I pray.

itybtyfrog said...

Oh I am so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. I hope the next 23 weeks fly by for you. Sending you lots of hugs!!! Call me if you need to chat.

HAD said...

Don't let others make you feel worse than you already feel. No one else can tell how you feel. I hope things so better for you soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Heidi (McCoard) Davis

Ashli Mccall said...

I suffered through four HG pregnancies and have written a comprehensive guide to its treatment called “Beyond Morning Sickness: Battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum.” If you e-mail me your mailing address (ashli@beyondmorningsickness.com) I’d be happy to send you a free copy. You can read more about the book at www.beyondmorningsickness.com.

emlouisa said...

Steph, I love love love you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

jd said...

I have one guess....... It's a BOY!

Thoughts and prayers. And long distant hugs.

SoDak Angel said...

I am sending you some non-smelly food over the net...you don't have to eat it if you don't want....doesn't look like anything either, or taste....it will be perfect! Take it a minute at a time.

Millie said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling better soon, physically and emotionally.

The Rookie said...

Steph, you are strong beyond measure! Please don't mistake your emotion, stress, pain, and sickness with weakness! I love you! My thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes are with you. I wish my words could do more for you, but at the end of the day they're just words. I am so sorry to know you are going through this. Let me know if I can do anything.

Jennifer B. said...

Sorry I am reading this so late. Praying for you!

Dawnyel said...

*HUGS* I can imagine what you're going thru is tough, and I have no other words other than, "I love and admire you!"

Cmommy said...

[[[HUGS}}} I'll be praying for you and babydoll!