4.10.2007

Guilt

guilt: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy Merriam-Webster

Guilt seems to be the monkey on my back, the boil that won't go away.

I feel guilty about this pregnancy. Guilty that I am not excited. Guilty that I don't like the baby stage. I would rather them just come at 8 months old. Guilty that I don't have a name or am even excited about a name. Gulity that I don't even think or talk about the baby yet. Guilty that I had both of the girls named before conception. Guilty that I spend all of my time taking care of the two I have and not thinking more about #3. It is more of an annoyance than excitement. The constant morning sickness and terrible metal taste in my mouth are getting really old.

Then I feel guilty because although I love both of my children, right now one of them is easier to like. I am struggling right now with one of them. The constant fits and sassing and telling me "No" regardless of the question, the constant defiance and blatent disregard for her parents is trying me to my limits.

The guilt comes because I don't want anyone to touch me. I do this when I am expecting and nursing. My body becomes and incubator and life source for another person. It is really draining on me. I feel terrible when I have to force myself to hug my girls (which I normally do without thinking twice...I am usually very affectionate and touchy feely) or hold my husband. I could be locked into a cage and be fine with no bodily contact.

The guilt because my house is a disaster. I have no energy to clean or take care of things. I dont' want to do laundry because the smell of my family makes be run to the bathroom. I don't want to do dishes...because well, they stink. I open my pantry to make dinner and I want to die! I haven't vacuumed or dusted or made beds in weeks. Toys are on the floor, the bathroom cupboards are filled and I really don't want to take care of it.

This sounds a lot like depression, but I have experienced PPD and this is nothing like it. This is just me during the first five months of pregnancy. It does get better, but not much.

A couple of nights ago, DH and I were talking and I said "I can't do this again. We have to be done after this." I felt guilty about saying that.

I know I will get excited for this baby. I will like that trying child when this phase is over, I will want to snuggle my girls and hug my husband again, I will have a clean house...eventually, I will cook dinner again, I will have clean clothes, I will make the beds. I will eventually stop feeling bad about wanting to be done and realize that enough is enough. Just not right now.

I am going to go and make myself a root beer float, and try not to feel too guilty about it.

29 comments:

Lynanne said...

I could go down your list and add checkmarks to all of your thoughts that I have been able to relate to at one point or another over the past 9 months.

My biggest guilt? Even at 9 months, I'm still feeling ambivalent about this pregnancy.

Part of the problem I had is most of the magic of the first or second experience is gone. I read blogs of first-time moms and am a bit envious (and guilty) by how excited they get over every little milestone.

My oldest has just entered the sassy, defiant stage. What is he going to be like as a teenager if he's acting like this at 10?

I would say your feelings are completely normal. Reread your second to the last paragraph over and over again. Be kind to yourself and take each day (each moment?) as it comes.

All the best!

Brandi said...

HA! Welcome to the life of 3. I (and DH) were in denial about #3 until she was born! Of course part of that is because she wasn't planned, but literally I had to remind him to take Friday off...he asked why? "umm, because you have to take me to the hospital to have the baby"
Yes, I'd say this is normal.

And about naming the little bambino...My #1 wasn't named for 2 weeks and #2 wasn't named for 1 week. Yes, you CAN take them home from the hospital without a name and if they try to tell you otherwise just remind them who's the mother. ;)

Tori :) said...

HUGS To you!!! You're pregnant. You should be feeling all that. And it's not your 1st pregnancy, so you can't sit around and watch your belly grow. You have other responsibilities. And that's ok!!
I'm NOT pregnant and I feel 1/2 the things you said. My house is a mess and I don't care. I hate doing laundry because I have stinky boys and it grosses me out. Don't even get me started on the bathroom!!
And a name will come. No one said you have to have names picked out before conception!! Once you have a ton of kids names don't matter anyway. I go thru like 15 names before I yell the right one anyway. :)
(((HUGS!!)))

Tori :) said...

I forgot to tell you- I am SO not a baby person. I'd prefer them to come out already able to walk, talk and feed themselves.

Mel said...

I too can relate to those same feelings. I love those babies, I really do but its a lot easier to enjoy them at about 9 months. Hang in there!

CHEL said...

Sorry you are feeling that way. I know it doesn't make it better, but your situation will get better.

I just told my DH, this #3 is the last too. Although, I love the newborn baby stage... love it. I wish their first year lasted 2 years!!

Enjoy your root beer float!

Meemer said...

i so understand. i'm there right now. i keep counting down the time...10 more months until he's a year old and i can count on some sort of normalcy. #3 has been my hardest and yet, he's full of love. it gets better!

Jennifer B. said...

I can sure relate to this post--and I'm not even pregnant right now. Mothers are expert at feeling guilt--I mean, come on!, we even have guilt over feeling guilty!

Making a person is exhausting work--you are doing a marvelous job!

Code Yellow Mom said...

I'm at the tale end of pregnancy #3 and while it was planned and I was thrilled to start with, it has been the most difficult and I sooooo relate with the lethargy, don't touch me, everything smells and I'm sick and tired feelings...and the guilt that I'm not all bliss and glow. But you are right...this, too, shall pass. And about a day after you bring the new one home, you won't know what your family was without him! Thanks for being real - we're all there with you!

txmommy said...

{{{HUGS}}}}}

I would say you are completely normal. I love all my kids, but some are easier to "like" than others at different times.

Not being obsessed with the new little one is not unusal either. Your life is full and busy and hectic so that is first. I am sure once s/he gets here you will be thrilled.

You are not alone.

You don't have to feel guilty.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Dude. Tell those guilt minions to shut up. You can feel any way you want to about this pregnancy. It's hard to be pregnant and share your body with another demanding little soul. No one will deny that, and we've all felt like that before.

Seriously, I think Satan's minions work really hard on pregnant women. You're helping with Father's plan and they don't like that. They'd love it if you made yourself worse than you already do.

You drink that root beer float, girl, and add on some chocolate for me. ;)

Shelah said...

I think what you're feeling is totally normal. And never feel guilty about a root beer float!

beth said...

I really appreciate that you posted this. As someone experiencing many of the same emotions I know how hard it is to admit them like this. I wish I were more excited about this pregnancy, but mostly I am just freaked out and wondering how I am going to do this. It doesn't help when exhaustion makes me resent my toddler...and then feel guilty.

That root beer float sounds pretty good right about now.

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

Even after struggling for YEARS with infertility - being blessed with our triplets - and blessed AGAIN with a surprise pregnancy ... I can tell you that you're not alone. I've been in a MAJOR SLUMP.

We haven't done ANYTHING to prepare for our newest addition >> no idea where he'll sleep, what he'll wear, what he'll ride around in ... nada. All of our baby supplies from our triplets are long gone - so we are starting from scratch - but we haven't even started.

In our family, there is one particular 2-year old that is adorable while sleeping, a living TERROR while awake. A few weeks ago, I seriously contemplated putting him on e-Bay. This parenthood stuff is HARD work. It's even harder when you're trying to do the best job you can & incubate one more.

Hang in there. Be good to yourself and kind to your kids, despite how trying they can be. One day, they'll be taking care of YOU. :)

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

Everyone has said what I would say to comfort you in one way or another.

I wish I could come over and give you a hug and clean your toilets for you... and put a dent in your laundry and dish duties.

Hopefully writing this post was good therapy. We all need to vent about the things we can't handle perfectly. You are a great mother and you'll get thru this!

Suzanne said...

I'm the same way when I'm pregnant! It's just too much to do day-to-day things. Hang in there and hopefully your sickness passes soon. Thank goodness for the middle tri-mester! :)

Dawnyel said...

Guilt is hard! But don't let it bog you down! It sounds like something that should pass quickly, maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but quickly!
*non-touching HUGS* Don't let it bug you too much!

Lei said...

Hang in there girl! Before you know it, this baby WILL be 8 months old.

itybtyfrog said...

I hear you!!! Every time I smell something foul, can't get off the couch because I am so tired, want to throw up because I feel so yucky, or can't kiss my hubby because I can't stand his breath, I think to myself, "I am NEVER doing this again!" I wouldn't feel too guilty about not thinking about the baby more....we have so much more to think about now that we have more kids to take care of. And we aren't as excited about doing this all again because we now KNOW what having a baby really means. Just look down the road to when we will be able to sleep through the night again and eat food without gagging and hold a chubby little toddler in our arms and have them give us wet slobbery kisses. Hang in there! Give me a call when you are feeling down...we can grumble together.

utmommy said...

Hang in there. This tough time will pass. Your feelings are completely normal. I think we all go through guilty stages at one point or another.

(((HUGS)))

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I know so many women that feel exactly the way you do at this stage! I hope that rootbeer float was good. Sounds so good to me right now.

Steph

Dawn said...

I only had two, but I know it must be much harder with two to already care for. My mom had 5 - 3 of us in 3 years, and I admire her more than words can say! Everyone else has said - be glad you put this down, remember it will pass, take care of yourself, and ask for help!

Amber said...

Sorry. I hear you. So when do you want to come over and have a whine fest. My house(apartment) isn't large but heck- how much room do a bunch of girls playing Barbies take up anyway? Then you won't have to clean.

Amber said...

Oh- and we don't have root beer or vanilla ice cream- but I currently have three flavors if ice cream, diet coke (with lime) and fudgesicles... we've been experiencing some comfort eating here lately...

Sketchy said...

Oh hon! You know it's normal and it's going to be OK.

HUGS!

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness. I hadn't visited your blog in months. I saw it linked on someone's blog, and before I clicked on it I though "She's probably pregnant now"... wow. Congratulations! Sometimes it does take awhile to get excited...rest assured that once #3 is here you will be THRILLED. Don't feel guilty. It seems pretty normal to me.

Gabriela said...

I understand totally. I could probably make a list longer than yours.

hang in there! it will get better.

Cmommy said...

You took me back down memory lane...
(I love how you announced this pregnancy!! Can't wait to see your Christmas card :-)!)

You are soooooo not alone. I'll be praying for you.
{}Chrissy
ps: root beer floats are exempt from guilt

kooky kay said...

I was never excited about my own pregnancy ... I think our guilt comes from all the people and books saying we should feel this and that ... so long as you are taking care of yourself and doing your best to overcome the bad thoughts, I believe you're doing good.